Is Abortion A Dating Dealbreaker?

30 Jan

Job interviews and dating have a lot in common. They both involve a great deal of verbal and physical posturing, specific outfits and, at least one party wondering how truthful the other was… and if it was a one time encounter. Of course, a job interview is typically focused entirely on trying to land a position, while dating is a series of lengthy dinners and various recreational activities with the rather ambiguous goal of “getting to know each other.”

First dates, at least in my experience, typically cover the basics. Profession, state or town of origin, and a lengthy list of the most interesting hobbies that each participant can rattle off. A recent first date of mine resembled a geography bee as my date angled to impress me with the various places to which he had traveled.

No one wants to appear to be unattractive, either physically or otherwise, while on a date. So, hewing to advice long ingrained in us by our parents and teachers we stay away from topics like religion, doctors and politics. I may know whether the man sitting across from me is the “nice Jewish boy” of my (and my mother’s) dreams based upon stories of a childhood at Camp Ramah or be able to guess based upon a last name ending in “stein” or “witz,” but unless I ask, how will I know how he feels about abortion?

Straddling religion and politics, the A-word, as I privately call it, is at once both intensely personal and wildly inflammatory given the current political environment. There is no easy way to slip it into conversation on a first date. On a second or third date, when we have moved on to feigning enthusiasm for activities like bowling, salsa dancing and traipsing through numerous local tourist attractions, it seems even harder to ask the question. After all, the goal while dating is to show off the most fun, worldly yet not crazy version of ourselves, and while abortion is implicitly linked to sex, there is nothing sexy about it.

Still, I cannot imagine ever hopping into bed with someone without knowing now he feels about abortion and the current laws restricting it.

I’m curious, am I the only one who struggles with how to best ferret out is nugget of information? Would you stop dating an otherwise seemingly normal person if you found out that they were anti-choice?

7 Responses to “Is Abortion A Dating Dealbreaker?”

  1. aagblog January 30, 2012 at 3:33 pm #

    I will not date the anti-choice crowd. An anti-choice stance is a pretty good indicator of a whole host of other opinions I just can’t live with.

    I bring the topic up in discussions of politics and current events. It’s not hard, considering how much anti-choice legislation has been proposed in the past year or two.

    My slogan: No choice, no cunt.

  2. Serena January 30, 2012 at 3:35 pm #

    I think someone’s views on choice are absolutely a deal breaker. I am so involved in the pro-choice movement that I could never be in a romantic relationship with someone who was anti-choice. Just think of the potential conflicts we would have.

    Ultimately, this is a much bigger issue that agreeing/disagreeing about health care. It’s about respect. It’s about believing women should have control over their bodies and their lives. If someone doesn’t believe that I am the ultimate authority over what should happen to my body, they certainly have no business fucking me – or sharing any other part of my life.

  3. meadowgirl January 30, 2012 at 6:14 pm #

    i have struggled with this on many occasion and i’ve “dumped” dudes for it in the past. i’m currently single and prefer it that way. i’ve found that a lot of dudes who aren’t prochoice tend to be religious and that sort of info comes out quickly. what i can’t stand are the half-assed prochoice dudes, you know- “well if women used BC correctly we wouldn’t need abortion.” UGH. for me, politicial/social justice leaning is VERY important because that is what i am very passionate about. i can’t be around someone dating them when they go against everything i believe in and fight for. it is VERY awkward to bring up…”so, for my 40th birthday i raised $500 for an abortion fund. isn’t that awesome?” is a lot harder to say that one thinks. 🙂

  4. Molly January 30, 2012 at 6:30 pm #

    Definitely a deal breaker!!!

  5. Steph L January 30, 2012 at 10:06 pm #

    100% deal breaker

  6. Bhevarri January 31, 2012 at 2:29 am #

    Absolutely. I prefer to not even be friends with real antis, to be honest.
    My current partner and I have some political disagreements, and those differences I can let slide because we work well together, but choice is a VERY hard line. We had a frank discussion about politics and religion before we were even completely involved, just to make sure there wouldn’t be some huge problems (let’s face it, I would hate to get attached to someone, only to find out they had some nasty political or moral views!). He’s pro-choice of course.
    I would never even begin to consider dating an anti-choicer, and I wouldn’t date someone who disapproved of abortion personally either. Friends, I could deal with, but when it comes to a PARTNER, I might get pregnant and if that happens, I want to deal with it with as little fuss as humanly possible!

  7. Lorelei January 31, 2012 at 3:05 pm #

    There is no way I would date someone who wasn’t pro-choice. No way in heck I would have sex with someone who didn’t understand that my body was mine and mine alone. It’s a subject I am very passionate about and always comes up in conversation before/if I sleep with someone.

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